You see this coming.
it has happened a lot of times.
But you still fell for it.
I fell for it willingly.

It's a parcel. It's not transparent.
You can't see what's inside.
A fragile glass box.
You're delighted at that very instant when you opened the box.
it's not anything fantastic inside
But you're genuinely happy.
You excitedly hugged the parcel and jumped around.
Then at this very moment
You realised everyone else around you received the same parcel,
from the same person.
This moment, how do you feel?
If you ask me, I feel stupid.
Because it wasn't material happiness
It was...

Just because I know how it feels.
So crudely, I used it on you,
even when there is nothing for the other person
I do it, knowing that you'll feel how I feel.

Labels: emotional, friends, personality test, relationship

I don't know why I complicate things.
My brain's a little slow.
I need time to process some thinkings.
It isn't a big deal isn't it?
Yes it isn't. But I was paranoid.
You understood rights?

Maybe I do have a box which I've been hiding.
Transparent glass or opaque; I'm not too sure.
But as I always say, I'm a big girl. Don't worry.
And I've been thankful that you're around, really.

p.s. The last line of Feb 11's entry was referring to you.

Labels: emotional, friends

there's a sting min my eyes.
The unwillingness to open up.
not to people I've know long ago.
Not wanting to be seemed as a problematic kid.
Cry alone.
hid away from the rest of the world.
And it seemed like a mockery that i'm voted one of the happiest people.
I know how that feels.
He's right.
It has got to end.
I cannot hold on to it for the rest of the life or twenty, thirty years down the road, it'll be the same.
I need to get out to see something new. Rights?
If not I can't do anything else.

Labels: emotional

想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
傻瓜
想太多
想太多
想太多
想太多
生命中多一点点的温暖

Labels: emotional

I'm needing more emotional support these days.
From whom? I don't really know.
It's been a perfect example of being lonely around people.
Like there's a lot of people around, but it's still empty there.
It's my own problem I guess.

Start missing some people whom I used to go to when I needed someone.
Start missing people who listens to me crying over the phone.
Start missing people who have seen the worst days I've been through.
Start missing people who I don't really talk to that much these days.
Start missing people who allows me to keep dreaming without reminding me of the reality.
Start missing people who would tell me I'm the best and I can do anything.
Start missing people who don't exist at all.

I'm a little scared of life these days
No I'm not depressed.
No worries people, I'm fine.
Just a little disappointed with myself and life thus far
Not really.
Actually I'm a little confused.
I think I need another session of breaking down and crying all night.
maybe with a company this time round?
But people who offered the help are always the wrong people.
Not wrong as in I don't need them but just morally wrong.
And I have no someone whom I can always go to, no matter what.
And people always ask what's wrong what's wrong.
but the fact is I don't have the answer too.
Perhaps it's the side effects of falling from the high end.
Perhaps it's just expectations not met.
Perhaps it's just the nightmares I have at night and no one but 4 walls that enclose me.

And I'm actually jealous of yl who could actually throw everything aside and give herself a little break to pamper herself.
yes i refer to it as pamper.
Some times some things, only the person could help himself.
I'm sure she'll walk out from it soon,
she just needs some time,
I hope she won't take long.

It takes some courage to neglect everything.
And I worry about attendance in school when i am tempted to go MIA.
What a loser. Rj says I'm different cause at least I don't go MIA.
Now it sounds like a joke doesn't it?

Labels: adm, confused, emotional, sad, school, stress

I woke up with eyes and throat pain and swollen.
The blisters on my foot still hurts.
I sat the the edge of my bed
breathing in heavy air in total darkness
still feeling sore from yesterday.
But I'm loved.
It's a blessing to know I'm loved.

I refused to look at my sister in the morning.
cause my eyes easily damps these days.
I hum my favourite song quietly
and cuddled myself.
I sms-ed johnson and told him that he needn't accompany me.
I need to rush back to school,
it'll make no sense for him to travel that far.
He was sweet enough already, really.
and I know I'm loved.

I was searching frantically in the car park.
I kept clicking on the car remote control.
no reaction.
Walked around and around the car park for the longest time.
There was no sight of the gray vehicle
nor its unlocking sound.
I called sister to check for the car's location.
She says it's exactly where I am.
"Wait. I'll find you later after I finish my stuffs if you still cannot find"
She sounds frustrated.
I sat down beside a car and waited.
A lady asked if I was okay.
I nod and smiled, replying with a "thank you"
She was in her 50s, gray hair and her face was wrinkled
yet she was the most beautiful person on earth.

When sister came.
She apologized.
She forgot that she parked in another car park today.
I said nothing.
Sshe asked if I was ok and
tears start streaming down my cheeks.
"Not okay, I'm not okay"

I wasn't mad at her.
But my body just wasn't functioning well.
I just need someone to embrace me and
assures me that everything is okay.
Even if that person was uncertain too.

Then I remember some things vids said yesterday.
And I was looking through the good night messages he sent.
And I'm reminded again,
I'm loved.
And I remember the "cheer-ups" from ter and jiesheng.
And I remember the random talk with joe
And I remember the people I love.
So yeaps.
(: loves.

Labels: emotional, family, happy, love, sad

The night is dark and the cold wind freezes to the bone even though the windows were shut. I was desperately switching channels, looking for something stupid on the tv. Something like spongebob squarepants or taiwanese variety shows. Something to clear the clutter off my mind. Before that was series of calls with various people over two different places I'm supposed to go to. Yet my limbs refused to move. I have a million and one things left undone, yet I'm desperately searching for something redundant to do. You understand how it feels?

Take Number 1: It isn't very fair to me, is it? But we all know one fact, there's no such thing as being fair. I don't understand how my heart works, how it controls my emotions. And I don't understand your definition of friendship, because it's just so different from mine. I've lost the desire to plan and do something nice for you. I've lost the motivation to sacrifice to please you. Perhaps I've learnt to be a little more selfish, to address my own issues before yours. You know it isn't used to be like that. You know I'll used to queue for a couple of hours just to get you something you briefly mentioned that you want. You know I'll try to cater to your preferences when it comes to a meeting time or place. You know I didn't mind spending more money for something you want on your birthday. Or maybe you don't. I didn't realize, I did recently that it has all changed. I became a little more shallow, or in your words, "more real, less-hypocritical". Somehow, I know we're working our way towards being surface-only-mates and the scary thing is I'm not exactly trying to stop it.

Take number 2: I'm so sorry I didn't make it there though I did have time to rush down. It's the fatigue, mood and just not in the right state of mind. But still, it's not the actual date yet rights? Haha, there's still time to celebrate. And I am truly guilty that I didn't go, perhaps it's because I didn't get to eat the fried rice you cooked? Muhahahas. (:

Happy Birthday to both! (:

Labels: birthday, emotional, sad

Hmmm. It feels like someone snatched your favourite teddy.
It feels like you've been abandoned on the streets
Then you see it.
Your teddy
In someone else's hands
Across the street.
And when that person turns around.
You reaslie it's your friend.
She didn't notice you.
But you don't hate her.
You hated the teddy instead.

Labels: emotional, sad

i always tend to overblow my abilities
and i end up weeping alone in a corner.
thinking and i can do it
but i can't and it does hurt
i still wish someone will love me
and point a finger in my face
tell me how silly i've been

Labels: emotional, tired

爱一个人是永远的。
七年后无意间在网上看见你的相片
心还是会闷,
还是会想按下滑鼠储存下来。

爱一个人是永远的。
好久好久没见面，
没一起聊天。
但是意外的收到你的简讯时，
我的心却很暖，仿佛上了瘾似的想你。

爱一个人是永远的。
不知道你最近好不好。
不知道你是否有照顾自己身体。
不知道你有没有又因心情不好而喝酒。

爱一个人是永远的。
只是现在不再是心宜的对象
只是家人。
只是朋友。
很久没联络却很想你的朋友。

爱一个人很难
不爱一个人更难。

Labels: emotional, memories, random

说那些也只是报告一下我的近况，不是想要炫耀之类的。
不明白为何你要不服气得比较。

Labels: emotional

是我自己想太多。
其实根本不是我的错。
你只是有别的事得办
所以 “我“ 也变成了“其次“

Labels: depressed, emotional, lonely

This is clearly not what I've expected in the beginning.
Yes, it's like my family and I do want to contribute back.
But It's less than a month, so many things happened
and I'm so sick of things.
I'm so sick of people calling me to bitch about another person.
I'm so sick of you calling me to bitch about her.
And I couldn't do anything.
Nothing other than keeping quiet.
Waiting for the storm to be over.
Sometimes it's just disgusting to lend out hands and be nice.
People take advantage of you.
You helped because you take them as friends.
And when you really need help, you don't see them.
Then all their words are just empty words.
Just empty even though they sound like fresh roses
But they turn out to be bloody-red ones that's embedded in thorns.

Labels: emotional, girls, polities