The pink aura is a mockery.
Laughing at me from afar.

The necklace broke.
I tried to salvage it by grabbing on tightly to the last few beads.
But when I open my hands to look at the beads,
they became fresh blood that stains the skin.
Fresh red blood that I couldn't hold.
Not anymore.
I dropped the remaining beads frantically
allowing the black crystals to scatter the dirty floor.

It wasn't a misfortune.
I had an answer, finally.
And I had a reason, to move on,
An excuse, to let go,
finally.

When I was home,
I packed everything related to you in a box.
Including your childish smiles.
Including the love I had
And shelved the box away in a corner.
9th march 2008.

Happy Birthday Silly, happy birthday Marcus,
Happy birthday,
shelved love.

----
hellos.
I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I gave another excuse.
I'm sorry I tried to fool you.
I needn't need to I know, but I guess I'm just so used to it.
Lying.
Selective disclosure.

I'm sorry if I made you worry.
I 'm sorry I didn't pick up your call.
It's just that I've reached a point where tears could no longer take the pain away.
I cried. But the pain is still as haunting.
Then it's just fatigue. Useless fatigue.
And to a point where no, it's no longer healthy at all.

----

p.s. 10th march onwards,
I will be very busy with school work
I want to be very busy with school work.

Labels: emotional, end, happy, sad

I'm needing more emotional support these days.
From whom? I don't really know.
It's been a perfect example of being lonely around people.
Like there's a lot of people around, but it's still empty there.
It's my own problem I guess.

Start missing some people whom I used to go to when I needed someone.
Start missing people who listens to me crying over the phone.
Start missing people who have seen the worst days I've been through.
Start missing people who I don't really talk to that much these days.
Start missing people who allows me to keep dreaming without reminding me of the reality.
Start missing people who would tell me I'm the best and I can do anything.
Start missing people who don't exist at all.

I'm a little scared of life these days
No I'm not depressed.
No worries people, I'm fine.
Just a little disappointed with myself and life thus far
Not really.
Actually I'm a little confused.
I think I need another session of breaking down and crying all night.
maybe with a company this time round?
But people who offered the help are always the wrong people.
Not wrong as in I don't need them but just morally wrong.
And I have no someone whom I can always go to, no matter what.
And people always ask what's wrong what's wrong.
but the fact is I don't have the answer too.
Perhaps it's the side effects of falling from the high end.
Perhaps it's just expectations not met.
Perhaps it's just the nightmares I have at night and no one but 4 walls that enclose me.

And I'm actually jealous of yl who could actually throw everything aside and give herself a little break to pamper herself.
yes i refer to it as pamper.
Some times some things, only the person could help himself.
I'm sure she'll walk out from it soon,
she just needs some time,
I hope she won't take long.

It takes some courage to neglect everything.
And I worry about attendance in school when i am tempted to go MIA.
What a loser. Rj says I'm different cause at least I don't go MIA.
Now it sounds like a joke doesn't it?

Labels: adm, confused, emotional, sad, school, stress

I woke up with eyes and throat pain and swollen.
The blisters on my foot still hurts.
I sat the the edge of my bed
breathing in heavy air in total darkness
still feeling sore from yesterday.
But I'm loved.
It's a blessing to know I'm loved.

I refused to look at my sister in the morning.
cause my eyes easily damps these days.
I hum my favourite song quietly
and cuddled myself.
I sms-ed johnson and told him that he needn't accompany me.
I need to rush back to school,
it'll make no sense for him to travel that far.
He was sweet enough already, really.
and I know I'm loved.

I was searching frantically in the car park.
I kept clicking on the car remote control.
no reaction.
Walked around and around the car park for the longest time.
There was no sight of the gray vehicle
nor its unlocking sound.
I called sister to check for the car's location.
She says it's exactly where I am.
"Wait. I'll find you later after I finish my stuffs if you still cannot find"
She sounds frustrated.
I sat down beside a car and waited.
A lady asked if I was okay.
I nod and smiled, replying with a "thank you"
She was in her 50s, gray hair and her face was wrinkled
yet she was the most beautiful person on earth.

When sister came.
She apologized.
She forgot that she parked in another car park today.
I said nothing.
Sshe asked if I was ok and
tears start streaming down my cheeks.
"Not okay, I'm not okay"

I wasn't mad at her.
But my body just wasn't functioning well.
I just need someone to embrace me and
assures me that everything is okay.
Even if that person was uncertain too.

Then I remember some things vids said yesterday.
And I was looking through the good night messages he sent.
And I'm reminded again,
I'm loved.
And I remember the "cheer-ups" from ter and jiesheng.
And I remember the random talk with joe
And I remember the people I love.
So yeaps.
(: loves.

Labels: emotional, family, happy, love, sad

I cooked dinner.
It was supposed to be MY dinner.
Because sister says she's gonna not eat dinner to lose weight.
So I didn;'t prepare hers.
But I happen to cook more.
I could have left it in the fridge for tomorrow.
But I was nice, I offered her.

I was out. jogging.
Tired. Hungry.
When I was back,
I realized she finished everything.
Every single bit.
Dinner was more than one-person's share.
And she didn't breathe a word.
Oh wrong. She did say something.
"You cannot blame me, how am I supposed to know I cannot finish everything."
She didn't offer to cook me something or buy me something.
She just sat in front of her computer screen like I'm vacuum
Absence physically and emotionally.

I have had enough of her dirtiness and unwillingness to clean the house
So I've always been doing it all these while.
I got sick of telling her to keep her things.
Now I just throw her things into her room.
I cleaned the whole house except for her room.
All this, I had enough.
And this happens.

She's always eating what I cook.
Sh hasn't initiated to cook for me even once.
I's always me me me.
It's not cheap to cook as I used all natural ingredients ok.
I bought healthier food products which are more expensive.
I am, quite broke already.
I need to study and work.
And she bloody hell has a stable job.
And she doesnt help but give me more problems.
Seriously, I have had enough staying with her.
I'm gonna go crazy sooner or later.

My sister is a Capricorn.
My ex is a Capricorn.
Someone is a Capricon.
I really have to start believing these analysis.

" Bad Match:
Try to avoid B-types of Cancers or Capricorns. This Cancer asks for constant attention and can be too temperamental for you. You will get sick and tired of these tantrums eventually feel that you want out of this relationship. B-type Capricorns sometimes become too selfish for you and they have the tendency to hurt your feelings verbally and emotionally. "



xx from http://www.astrology.com.au/compatibility/compatibility.asp

Aries + Capricorn
Fire + Earth = Lava

This really is a pretty tough romantic combination, Aries. The forecast is for an uphill battle! Some astrologers might even say that this is the most unpleasant match in the zodiac! Your ruling planets — Mars and Saturn — are diametrically opposed forces. You’re extroverted, whereas Capricorn is introverted and shy, even sullen at times.

Capricorn is sober, practical, realistic, slow and steady — and a wee bit too conservative for your liking, Aries. They need a carefully mapped out plan for everything in life. ( I don't really agree with this point. Because I'm more of a need-to-plan-everything-kinda-aries) You prefer the thrill of the unknown, and are always excited about where life’s river might take you. ( I do agree with this though. Sometimes I do something totally opposite from what I planned.) These are very different attitudes, you’d have to agree. If you find yourself attracted to a Capricorn, don’t expect them to drop everything, on an impulse, to do something with you. It just won’t happen. Your wild and impulsive moods will give them the heeby-jeebies.

An Aries–Capricorn combination will pull your reins tight, and pretty soon you will be feeling boxed in, like a caged bird with its wings clipped. You’ll be unable to exercise your freedom-loving muscles. From the other side of the picture, your lively and exuberant energy will make traditionalist Capricorn feel as though they’re being whipped into race pace, which they hate — they need everything in their life to move at a slower and more deliberate speed.

However, Capricorns secretly wish they could experience life the way you do, with boundless effervescent energy and optimism.

Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn, is laid up in Aries. This means the stern and sober attitude of that earthy star sign is essentially at odds with you. Capricorn could well put out your fire.

Labels: angry, family, horroscope, sad, tired

The night is dark and the cold wind freezes to the bone even though the windows were shut. I was desperately switching channels, looking for something stupid on the tv. Something like spongebob squarepants or taiwanese variety shows. Something to clear the clutter off my mind. Before that was series of calls with various people over two different places I'm supposed to go to. Yet my limbs refused to move. I have a million and one things left undone, yet I'm desperately searching for something redundant to do. You understand how it feels?

Take Number 1: It isn't very fair to me, is it? But we all know one fact, there's no such thing as being fair. I don't understand how my heart works, how it controls my emotions. And I don't understand your definition of friendship, because it's just so different from mine. I've lost the desire to plan and do something nice for you. I've lost the motivation to sacrifice to please you. Perhaps I've learnt to be a little more selfish, to address my own issues before yours. You know it isn't used to be like that. You know I'll used to queue for a couple of hours just to get you something you briefly mentioned that you want. You know I'll try to cater to your preferences when it comes to a meeting time or place. You know I didn't mind spending more money for something you want on your birthday. Or maybe you don't. I didn't realize, I did recently that it has all changed. I became a little more shallow, or in your words, "more real, less-hypocritical". Somehow, I know we're working our way towards being surface-only-mates and the scary thing is I'm not exactly trying to stop it.

Take number 2: I'm so sorry I didn't make it there though I did have time to rush down. It's the fatigue, mood and just not in the right state of mind. But still, it's not the actual date yet rights? Haha, there's still time to celebrate. And I am truly guilty that I didn't go, perhaps it's because I didn't get to eat the fried rice you cooked? Muhahahas. (:

Happy Birthday to both! (:

Labels: birthday, emotional, sad

Hmmm. It feels like someone snatched your favourite teddy.
It feels like you've been abandoned on the streets
Then you see it.
Your teddy
In someone else's hands
Across the street.
And when that person turns around.
You reaslie it's your friend.
She didn't notice you.
But you don't hate her.
You hated the teddy instead.

Labels: emotional, sad