Again.
My mind has taken over the body
Reaches for the soul, but to no avail.
It is tired. I am tired.
I am rushing against time.
Making use of what I have
Living my life.
I am trying my best.
But you.
I am utterly disappointed.

Yet again, and again.
You'll never change, will you?
Chopping off fingers. Divorce. Long-distance calls.
Another episode of Family Drama.
A comedy if you ask me.

Age has taken over your mind
and your actions were no longer under control.
You throw your temper like a little kid.
Spoilt kid.

We work like detectives.
Questioning anyone involved.
Uncovering any possible documents you try to hide.
Digging any possible information available.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't do anything anymore.
Your empty promises
left me drenched in cold rain.
And lost the respect I once have in you.

Labels: family

People I'm grateful for
Parents
Dad for doting on me and Mommy for teaching me a lot of things.
I always say that I don't miss you guys but I often cry when I receive your emails.
I always grumble how anyone can leave their children in another country but I'm grateful I could take care of myself . And I don't realize until other friends boast on stuffs like they can change a light bulb. And sometimes I do think that it is unfair for me that I have to work while studying, but I realize later that I didn't want when you volunteered to send money back. And I can truly say that I'm living off my own hands now. It's not something all parents so, but it's something I'm happy you did. I'm not a spoilt brat. *winks*

Sister
I don't say it but I do treasure you ok. LOLS. And one main reason why I don't wanna stay in hall is because of you. haha Okay okay I do nag at you a lot (you think I like to nag at you?) but I think you deserved to be nagged. :x But Anyhoos, I can't imagine life without you.

David
My erac ekat. One who's always doing a lot of stuffs to make me smile. One whom I can give up anything just to ensure he's doing okay. The only friend who's generous in saying "I love you" which I myself sometimes wish I have more courage to do so.

Jonathan
The person who wouldn't mind telling me straight in the face that he is a friend who will be there for me because I am worthy. One who doesn't ask for anything but will give everything. One who always say the right things when I most needed. I told him he has magical powers haha. One who always told me I deserve a good man and one who I've promised that he'll be the first to know when I'm attached. And one that makes me realize how fortunate I have been. And I like everything about him. Even when he suans me and nag at me. Feels like my dad la even he's only one year older. But still, I feel loved.

Wenwen
The first person that knows my secret. :) Don't know how, but we did get close on the first time we met (usually not in most of the case) and now it's coming to a 7 year friendship, still close and strong. I've always been jealous of her family - it's like the standard happy family in the dictionaries. (: lols But now I feel loved when she talks about them.

Hester
The person that helped me through my crappy JC life. I remember I didn't like her in the beginning :x HAHA. I'm sure she remembers too. But now she's one crazy friend whom I can do anything and everything with. And one friend who you'll never see me sad or quiet when I'm with her. I always have a lot to tell her and she always have her ways to make me laugh till my jaws hurt. :D

Jimmy
My best online budd. *huge grins*. I've only seen him once in person but he know so much about my life, maybe even more than someone I meet everyday. He might not know the large part of it, but he knows stuffs which very little people know. And monkey monkey thank piggy piggy for being there. For poking me every now and then and disturbing me. For offering to meet me up late at night when I'm not emotionally-okay. (:

Joe
The only person apart from wenshing who can always understand my art. It's funny but sometimes I do think he's a heart and brain that are built in-sync with mine. He understood my feelings and reasons behind every choice, no matter if it's emo or happy. And when we always talk, it's about life in large and in-dept feelings about love and beauty which I can never talk to anyone else. He's like a source of wealth that truly touches my heart. And I love his films too. I love his works. And I love long late night conversations with him that always sets me thinking.

Wenshing
My favourite lecturer. My favourite even when everyone is talking bad about her behind her back. But she gave me courage. She let me know that whatever I was thinking is important even though no one cares about it. It is crucial in the journey not the end-point. It is crucial that I understood myself. It is crucial and I needn't hide behind the shield. Because everyone is the same, they have their strength and weaknesses. But I didn't get a chance to say bye before she left the school. Something I kinda blame myself for now.

Teresa
Girl girl. Don't know how we got close. LOL. Don't remember talking to her at all when we're at OH committee but somehow we clicked really well after that. She's so cute la I can't resist. :x LOLS. And i thank her so much that she called me more than once after knowing something is not right with me. It meant so much though I didn't pick up. I wasn't in the appropriate situation to talk and I didn't know what to say to her. **hugs**

Labels: family, friends, happy, love

I woke up with eyes and throat pain and swollen.
The blisters on my foot still hurts.
I sat the the edge of my bed
breathing in heavy air in total darkness
still feeling sore from yesterday.
But I'm loved.
It's a blessing to know I'm loved.

I refused to look at my sister in the morning.
cause my eyes easily damps these days.
I hum my favourite song quietly
and cuddled myself.
I sms-ed johnson and told him that he needn't accompany me.
I need to rush back to school,
it'll make no sense for him to travel that far.
He was sweet enough already, really.
and I know I'm loved.

I was searching frantically in the car park.
I kept clicking on the car remote control.
no reaction.
Walked around and around the car park for the longest time.
There was no sight of the gray vehicle
nor its unlocking sound.
I called sister to check for the car's location.
She says it's exactly where I am.
"Wait. I'll find you later after I finish my stuffs if you still cannot find"
She sounds frustrated.
I sat down beside a car and waited.
A lady asked if I was okay.
I nod and smiled, replying with a "thank you"
She was in her 50s, gray hair and her face was wrinkled
yet she was the most beautiful person on earth.

When sister came.
She apologized.
She forgot that she parked in another car park today.
I said nothing.
Sshe asked if I was ok and
tears start streaming down my cheeks.
"Not okay, I'm not okay"

I wasn't mad at her.
But my body just wasn't functioning well.
I just need someone to embrace me and
assures me that everything is okay.
Even if that person was uncertain too.

Then I remember some things vids said yesterday.
And I was looking through the good night messages he sent.
And I'm reminded again,
I'm loved.
And I remember the "cheer-ups" from ter and jiesheng.
And I remember the random talk with joe
And I remember the people I love.
So yeaps.
(: loves.

Labels: emotional, family, happy, love, sad

I cooked dinner.
It was supposed to be MY dinner.
Because sister says she's gonna not eat dinner to lose weight.
So I didn;'t prepare hers.
But I happen to cook more.
I could have left it in the fridge for tomorrow.
But I was nice, I offered her.

I was out. jogging.
Tired. Hungry.
When I was back,
I realized she finished everything.
Every single bit.
Dinner was more than one-person's share.
And she didn't breathe a word.
Oh wrong. She did say something.
"You cannot blame me, how am I supposed to know I cannot finish everything."
She didn't offer to cook me something or buy me something.
She just sat in front of her computer screen like I'm vacuum
Absence physically and emotionally.

I have had enough of her dirtiness and unwillingness to clean the house
So I've always been doing it all these while.
I got sick of telling her to keep her things.
Now I just throw her things into her room.
I cleaned the whole house except for her room.
All this, I had enough.
And this happens.

She's always eating what I cook.
Sh hasn't initiated to cook for me even once.
I's always me me me.
It's not cheap to cook as I used all natural ingredients ok.
I bought healthier food products which are more expensive.
I am, quite broke already.
I need to study and work.
And she bloody hell has a stable job.
And she doesnt help but give me more problems.
Seriously, I have had enough staying with her.
I'm gonna go crazy sooner or later.

My sister is a Capricorn.
My ex is a Capricorn.
Someone is a Capricon.
I really have to start believing these analysis.

" Bad Match:
Try to avoid B-types of Cancers or Capricorns. This Cancer asks for constant attention and can be too temperamental for you. You will get sick and tired of these tantrums eventually feel that you want out of this relationship. B-type Capricorns sometimes become too selfish for you and they have the tendency to hurt your feelings verbally and emotionally. "



xx from http://www.astrology.com.au/compatibility/compatibility.asp

Aries + Capricorn
Fire + Earth = Lava

This really is a pretty tough romantic combination, Aries. The forecast is for an uphill battle! Some astrologers might even say that this is the most unpleasant match in the zodiac! Your ruling planets — Mars and Saturn — are diametrically opposed forces. You’re extroverted, whereas Capricorn is introverted and shy, even sullen at times.

Capricorn is sober, practical, realistic, slow and steady — and a wee bit too conservative for your liking, Aries. They need a carefully mapped out plan for everything in life. ( I don't really agree with this point. Because I'm more of a need-to-plan-everything-kinda-aries) You prefer the thrill of the unknown, and are always excited about where life’s river might take you. ( I do agree with this though. Sometimes I do something totally opposite from what I planned.) These are very different attitudes, you’d have to agree. If you find yourself attracted to a Capricorn, don’t expect them to drop everything, on an impulse, to do something with you. It just won’t happen. Your wild and impulsive moods will give them the heeby-jeebies.

An Aries–Capricorn combination will pull your reins tight, and pretty soon you will be feeling boxed in, like a caged bird with its wings clipped. You’ll be unable to exercise your freedom-loving muscles. From the other side of the picture, your lively and exuberant energy will make traditionalist Capricorn feel as though they’re being whipped into race pace, which they hate — they need everything in their life to move at a slower and more deliberate speed.

However, Capricorns secretly wish they could experience life the way you do, with boundless effervescent energy and optimism.

Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn, is laid up in Aries. This means the stern and sober attitude of that earthy star sign is essentially at odds with you. Capricorn could well put out your fire.

Labels: angry, family, horroscope, sad, tired

dad, i am not one who will nag at you.
But I am also not one who will forgive you.

Labels: family

Seriously,mom.
I am really tired of all these. I really am. And when you post me that question, I seriously don't have an answer. We're all adults already and if that makes you happy, I'll support you if you think it's the only thing you can do. I really tired of confronting dad and both of you screaming at each other. And dad's obviously not going to change, mom. Man never changes. It's really not a thing for a woman to do to wishfully hope he'll change for the family, change for you. I know deep inside you don't want all these to happen and you don't wish to nag. But really, I don't have an answer for your questions too. We're all grown-ups. And your daughters are earning money to support themselves. They can survive on their own and you need not worry about us anymore. So really, do what that will make you a happier woman. If it really will make you happier. I'm missing your smiles you once had and the peaceful family dinners we have everyday.

Labels: divorce, family