My name.
I'm not very used to my friends calling me Jackie.
Jackie. Wacky Boggie.
because it's a name, with no value.
It's a name which resembles my name.
It's a name for my blond lecturers.
It's a name for employers to remember me.
It's a name, for new friends to remember me.
And I only introduced jackie when someone can't pronounce my name.

And because of this, whenever someone calls me that,
I switch to a very corporate mode.
School. Work.
It just feels weird,
especially when a friend I know for a very long time calls me that.
Especially someone I'm very closed to.
Sometimes, I get embarrassed.
Sometimes, It feels terrible.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm being mocked at.
Sometimes I feel it's not me.

Maybe I'm just not used to it.
Not used to my own name.

----

note.
sometimes, I feel very lost.
It feels a little out of place when I can't make friends with some leos and gemini.
i can clique well with them.
Rights? No?
Well, I am supposed to.
I should be able to.
We should be best friends.
But some, no matter how hard, we're just there.
stagnant a superficial level.

maybe I'm not very aries.
At least a couple of people have told me that.
Or maybe I am, in some areas.
Not in others.
Not very pisces too rights?
And I don't really trust the horoscope readings at the back of magazines.
there's nothing to fall back on.

I recall Lauren telling me
"You don't feel aries, but you happen to be one."
It's this feeling when you're first day in school
And you can't find your class.
Except maybe,
my first day lasts very long.

I miss sitting behind Lauren.
Very much.

----

I think.
I've created a sting.
A wall
Something you're afraid to cross.
I appear to be a freak.
sensitive freak we once talked about
someone you're afraid of
cause i went mad once
and.
it's just.
*silence*

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